The Deadly Vacuum
This is installment #10 in my several-part series, Shit I Wrote a While Ago. This story is particularly good, because it contains not only cast members from Full House, but also a deadly vacuum. From 1994.
The Deadly Vacuum
“Hi!” I exclaimed.
“Hi, Sara!” Ashley waved from her perch on the window sill.
I guess I should tell you that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are my best friends. I’m Sara Cameron, age eight. Candace Cameron, age thirteen, is my big sister. Even though I’m an actress’ sister, I’m just an ice skater. I play hockey, too. Anyway, Candace had to come with me.
“Hi, girls.” Mr. Olsen greeted us with a big grin on his face [ed. note: pederapist]. I could tell by the huge smile on his face what he had said. I couldn’t really hear him, though. The roar of his lawnmower was way too loud.
“Hi!” I screamed over the lawnmower. Candace just waved. She’s so shy around Mr. and Mrs. Olsen. She sees ‘em every day, though. We live right across the street from each other.
“Hurry up!” I called to Mary-Kate.
“I’m coming!” At that moment she came [ed. note: TWSS] blasting out the front door and into the car. We were going to Universal Studios. Since we already lived in Florida, we only had to drive.
When we got to Universal Studios, we all tumbled out of the car and started jumping up and down. We were soooo excited. Of course we’d all been to Universal Studios before, but now the “Back to the Future” ride was open!
“Dad, can we have our tickets?” Ashley pleaded.
Mr. Olsen nodded, searching his pockets for the tickets. He pulled out three all-day tickets. Mary-Kate, Ashley, and I all grabbed one.
“Hey! What about me?” Mr. Olsen asked. “Sara, weren’t your parents buying yours?”
“Oh yeah!” I yanked a $10 bill out of my pocket, and handed it to Mr. Olsen.
We all zoomed into the park, flashing our tickets at the people at the front desk. They knowingly pointed the way to the “Back to the Future” ride. We zipped in that direction, ending at the ride. Ashley and I tore through the crowd of people into the ride. We strapped ourselves in. Mysteriously, the ride car changed into a spaceship [ed. note: Hmm…].
We had been sailing through space for hours now. Then, out of nowhere, a black hole appeared. It transformed into a hugely-sized vacuum cleaner!
“Let’s get out of here!” Mary-Kate whimpered. Then I reminded her that we didn’t have space suits on. She agreed. We tried pushing about 10,000,000,000,000,000 buttons, but they were all either stuck, or just plain didn’t work.
“Hey!” I called. “Over here!” I waved my arms frantically. Ashley walked over to me.
“Space suits!” she squealed. Ashley and I dressed ourselves up in the space suits.
“Mary-Kate,” I instructed, “Take the controls. Ashley and I are going out” (I tried to sound grown up).
“Come on, Sara.” Ashley had somehow forced open the door to the space ship. We were sucked out of the open door way.
“Look!” I said in sign language. I pointed to a huge OFF/ON switch.
Ashley nodded. I fished a rope out of my pocket and threw it over the OFF/ON switch. We climbed up to the switch. It was light enough to simply push. So I did. Suddenly the vacuum stopped.
A few seconds later we were back at US (Universal Studios).
“Did you have fun?” Mr. Olsen asked.
I nodded. Ashley nodded. Someone was missing.
“Mary-Kate!” I screamed.
“Don’t worry,” Mr. Olsen said. “I have another.”
Ok, um. ROFL? Everything about this story is sort of perfect: My assumptions that 1) the cast of Full House lives across the street from each other, 2) MK&A would have enough free time to play with DJ’s little sister, 3) rich Mr. Olsen would ask me for the $10 for Universal Studios admission; the fact that we go on the “Back to the Future” ride, which is the shizznit; the part about the black hole turning into a vacuum cleaner is pretty funny, especially for an 8-year-old to have written; and the last line of this story is seriously the funniest thing I think I’ve ever written in my life. The weirdest thing about all of this is that I don’t remember particularly liking the Olsen twins, although I was a fan of Full House. Weird. Good story, though. I give it an A
