PIE: And My Exaggerated Plan to Use It to Take Over the World
This is installment #5 in my several-part series, Shit I Wrote a While Ago. This one is from 9th grade (all the way into high school now. This shit had better start getting good), when we were given an assignment that was actually pretty cool. We were supposed to find a picture of a person in a magazine and write a sort of monologue that our person would give describing his life. My picture was of a model who was very pale, with harsh hair and heavy eyeliner, wearing a black turtleneck. Sprockets, basically. From the year 2000.
PIE: And My Exaggerated Plan to Use It to Take Over the World
Ever since I was little impoverished girl growing up in my native Chickenslovakia, a small region of Russia, I knew that I wanted to do something to help my people, but I never knew exactly what. Now, after 28 years, my dream is finally clear: I hope to take over the world.
Phase 1
A plan to take over the world cannot be taken lightly. I am aware that some people may refuse to cooperate, and that is why I have established PIE (Peepers in Eurasia). Its headquarters are in my swinging underground pad beneath the Housewares Department of Jaworczykowska’s, the local chain department store here in Russia, but it branches out over all seven continents (just in case anyone is trying to elude my plan by hiding out in Anarctica). PIE employees watch the citizens of the world through telescopes and tiny cameras I have had them install in every household in the world. We use these tapes and surveillance information to blackmail people into consenting to my plan of being Czarina of Svetlantica, which is what I plan to name the world when it is my kingdom.
The most persuasive of these tapes are from the cameras placed in the showerheads. It seems that people do not want tapes of them singing off-key to show tunes while washing circulating around the world.
Phase 2
After I have blackmailed all the rulers, influential political parties, celebrities, editors of women’s magazines, and 4 out of 5 dentists into allowing me to take over the world (aka Svetlantica), I will reform it into a utopia using the Svetlana Borjyukauski method, which I like to call Outlawing All the Things that Displease Me. Peanut butter, trains, crisp apple strudel, hats, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, and comfortable furniture will all be illegal. Furthermore, the word “albatross” will be removed from the English language, and Tuesdays will be obliterated.
Similarly, people’s lives will be modeled after mine, thus making them perfect (as perfect as they are capable of becoming). Everyone will be required to wear all black clothing and must plaster their hair to the sides of their heads with Crisco or turtle wax. All furniture will be sleek-looking and black and silver, and there will have to be a minimum of one piece of bizarre artwork on every wall. Films as the public knows them will be no more, instead being replaced with strange black-and-white European films of my choosing. Any sort of production of action figures, backpacks, toothpaste, flannel sheets, or fast food children’s meal toys based on these films will be strictly prohibited, and will be punishable by drawing and quartering.
Under my rule, people will eat only borscht, with the exception of my pet sea lion, Monsieur Marius, who refuses to eat anything other than tapoica pudding. Everyone will also be required to learn to play the harpsicord and dance in the traditional Russian style. Women will have to wear their eyeliner 2 inches thick, and people will snap their fingers as a sign of greeting. Then the world will be perfect!
To gain admittance into Svetlantica (to stay alive), people will have to complete the Svetlantica Admission Test. They will have to bring me a shrubbery, steal the broom from the Wicked Witch of the West, and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring, as well as beat me at Trivial Pursuit and swallow three live goldfish.
How to Deal with Rebellion
Anyone who fails to comply with my requests and is not swayed by blackmail will be placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. If that does not alter their opinions, I have genetically engineered a race of mutant rabbits bred to kill that will be sicced on the offenders. A person who, once Svetlantica is realized, does not follow the regime for a perfect world, will be mercilessly tickled by my henchmen or sent to Antarctica to chip away blocks of ice to put in my freezer when there is a power outage. Anyone caught eating breakfast cereal with a colorful cartoon for a mascot will have “Viva Svetlantica” branded on his forehead with a hot iron.
A group of people attempting a mass rebellion of some sort will be immediately stopped by my army of mutant rabbits and taken to dance for me on my collection of 24,601 thumbtacks.
Proof That It Will Not Bother My Conscience to Carry Out These Methods of Punishment
When I had first come to know what my dream was, my parents discouraged me, saying that it was “cruel” and “tyrannical.” Six years ago I had them placed in a 10 ft sq room with walls covered in sharp, pointy objects that move one inch closer together every month. They are forced to dine only on hotdogs, to wear cheerfully-colored clothing, and to watch the cheerful British torture implements, the Teletubbies “again” and “again.” I have piously employed by insolent twin brother Dieter as my bodyguard.
The Final Step
The only thing now standing between myself and the reality of Svetlantica is a slight malfunction in the showerhead cameras due to their lack of resistance to water. Until they are fixed by Anja the showerhead engineer, who will no longer be employed by PIE once they are rapaired, I have to wait impatiently here in my swinging underground pad, watching my favorite film about a lampshade and a remote control who are in love, and eating borscht. Do not assume, however, that the world is safe from Svetlana Borjyukauski and her dream of world domination. I will conquer all!
Viva Svetlantica! And keep in mind: Be wary of what you do while showering.
In his comments, my teacher wrote, “Very interesting writing!” but what he meant was, “What the fuck?!” I had a clear affinity for: Les Miserables, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Ikea, SNL: Best of Mike Myers, and voyeurism. I had a clear vendetta against: colors, Tony the Tiger. What makes all of this worse is that the year before, I had formulated a plan to somehow conquer Mount Vernon and turn it into an independed nation called Katherantica. However weird this is, it entertains me still, and I would give it a higher grade except that I cleary thought that “insolent” meant “Lenny from Of Mice and Men,” so it gets a B
